Friday, May 27, 2011

A Second Revelation

After my self-realisation this week that I was (am) a very controlling mother, I've been trying hard to change my behaviour. It is SO hard to change what you've been doing for the past almost 24 years. Some habits are so ingrained and now I understand why my Mum was still reminding me to wear a petticoat 5 years after I'd married and left home. (And my response at that time was horror p how controlling was she?!! The fruit didn't fall so far from the tree it turns out)

Yesterday was a particularly challenging one. Josh was really late home from work but he'd phoned to let me know he'd be late. He walked in the door and a black cloud followed him into the house. He'd been to the shopping centre and while reversing out, he'd hit a concrete pole and smashed his tail light and dinged in the back. He was a bit shaken and he was really angry and he wanted it fixed right away - impossible at 8pm on a Thursday evening.

Now normally I would have jumped out of my chair and tried to fix it for him (not the car but how he was feeling) I would have taken his bag from him, made him a cup of tea/coffee, heated up his dinner and got Iven to look at the car to see what needed to be done. I would have managed the situation. But this wouldn't allow Josh to deal with it as all adults have to. He had to work out best how to manage his emotions and find the help he needed.

And the strangest thing happened. Iven got up and went out to the car with him. They discussed things over and when Josh came into the house next he had a plan of attack and his temper had defused significantly. Iven is pretty laid-back and I think his manner with Josh was enough to calm him down. I stayed with my backside firmly planted on the chair while Iven got to do some of the best parenting that I've ever seen him do. He talked to Josh man to man, worked alongside him, took him up to the car supplies place (thank goodness for Thursday late-night shopping) and together they got his car legal enough to drive.

And then came my second revelation for the week. My micro-management has possibly cheated Iven of some valuable parenting opportunities. So often I've complained that he didn't step up as a parent and I was left doing it all when sometimes what was required was for me to step away from the situation and meddle a little less.

All I could think of last night was that Josh will always remember the night he had a his first bingle and the thing that he'll remember the most was that his Dad was there for him.

So now I've got to learn new habits. I have to keep reminding myself that adults get to make their own decisions. And I get to worry less - hopefully.

11 comments:

  1. Nice post. I know I tend to take over with my kids too, and I don't let Pete make the decisions sometimes. Then I get annoyed that nothing gets done unless I do it - perhaps that's the way I've made it. Your post is food for thought!

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  2. I know that it isn't easy but I think we sometimes forget that our sons are more that capable of looking after themself.
    Thanks for sharing this beautiful post!

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  3. Great post Char. Those are excellent points you make about allowing dad the space to step in and your son the space to grow. Thanks for sharing!

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  4. It's so tough to step back sometimes but it's exactly what everyone needs. I am the same way if it makes you feel any better. Have a great weekend!

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  5. The problem is that we look at them always as children even if they are grown and ... men.
    We have to learn to change behavior (sometimes).
    Great post.

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  6. As a parent of a teenage, I really like this post. Great introspection Char. It's never to late to learn, grow, change, eh?

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  7. Oh, goodness, you've hit really close to home for me on this post! Every day I try to bite my tongue and let my kids figure things out, which I think is WAY harder than fixing things for them! Good for you, Mama.

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  8. I love your posts Char, they are always so honest. And I see myself warts and all in them.

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  9. Love that you are a person that keeps learning and stretching yourself Char! REally enjoyed reading this reflection. And I loved your comment on my post tonight. It was a bit sad and I'm sorry I made you sad. Sounds like you have some really wonderful memories and your boys are lucky to have you! You will be such a great grandmum when that day comes!! :) Thanks again for such a beautiful comment. Made me smile and feel like I was part of those memories too...the stories, the baking together and licking the spoons. :)

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  10. You can't undo anything, just go forward. I think you have been doing a great job and just want to do a better job.

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  11. This was a good post. I have a 19 year old and have found it very difficult to know when to let go and when to intervene. It is a constant struggle and very difficult at times to know how to handle certain situations.

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Thanks for taking the time to comment. I love hearing from you.