Tuesday, January 14, 2014


My husband and I celebrate our 28th wedding anniversary this Saturday.

Now before you all send your congratulations, I have to let you know that I don't know if we're going to make it to Saturday.

You see, Iven committed a marital sin the other day. And I don't know if I'm prepared to forgive him. Not without him showing precisely the right amount of penitence for his ignorant male comment. Which at least would involve the giving of a small token - chocolates, flowers, expensive jewellery.

The sin was perpetrated last Thursday afternoon at precisely 4:52pm. I know, I know - you're all astounded with my steel-trap-like memory but I really have to admit that I know the time because it was just before I stepped out the door for a run and the time was recorded by my Garmin.

I was actually meant to run in the morning but the lazy voice in my head was louder than the diligent one so I turned the alarm off. But, being that the day was coolish for summer, I decided to make it up in the afternoon. But even though it was cooler I still had a bit of a sweat glow from the day so when I went to change into my running gear a small struggle ensued.

The sort of struggle I'm talking about will be familiar to some females out there. Females who like to keep their 'assets' up where God intended them to be. Females who want to defy gravity and the sands of time. Females who prefer not to be slapped around the face with every step they take. In short - females who wear a good, firm, supportive bra.

Most males out there will be unaware of just how challenging these things can be to put on. Especially if the wearer is sporting a summer sweat glow. Or is trying to put it on in the dark when she is on her way to a stupidly early session. I'd managed to put my head and arms into the appropriate holes and wrestle it into place but not without working up a bigger sweat.

Then I had to pull on a running singlet over the top - a fairly form-fitting singlet which had its own in-built bar shelf. There was more wrestling, a lot of swearing and a bit of claustrophobic panicking before I managed to wrangle myself into it. 

I was ready. And nothing - not gale nor cyclone nor 7.5 magnitude earthquake was going to shake my tree. The girls weren't going anywhere that I wasn't going.

I went through the lounge room to say good-bye to Iven and that's when he said it.

"Hon, you're a bit uneven." Looking directly at my chest.

Seriously?? He was worried about one headlight being on high beam and the other being on low? Was I somehow going to bring shame to the family name as the one who lacked symmetry? Was I going to cause traffic accidents because drivers were going to be distracted by the freakish imbalance?  Was I going to be pulled over by the police and issued a hefty fine with loss of points for public indecency? Were strangers going to jog up next to me and whisper behind their hands "you're out by five degrees on the port side bow"?

Do I ever go up to him and say "You're hanging a little too far to the right?"

Despite my indignation, I did what was expected and readjusted to his Highness's satisfaction - no mean feat. And you know, they just didn't seem to sit right for the rest of the run. So maybe I'm meant to be a bit lopsided.

The only saving grace for my darling husband is that after almost 28 years he still bothers to look at my chest. I guess I forgive him after all.


  1. The beginning is hysterical.
    Guess I'll go read the rest now.
    Glad you forgave him.

  2. A. You've insinuated to me on several occasions that "ignorant male comment" is redundant.
    B. I am going absolutely nowhere near another woman's personal perkiness ... in real-life or post. But I gotta say, that was one of the funniest things I've read in a while.

  3. I'm not gonna lie, this whole story made me laugh!! Especially your possible come-back.
    I hope that Iven comes around (jewelry would be best) and that y'all make it to 28!!!

  4. This made me giggle!! I detest putting a strapless bra on, it takes forever and they are so uncomfortable. My biggest problem at the moment is remembering to either put a bra on or make sure its done up after feeding the baby!!
    Happy anniversary even if he is in the dog house!!

  5. Ha! Happy, er, anniversary. (Tangentially: Is it me, or do those singlets with the built-in bras do absolutely nothing for motion control? And I'm not the most well-endowed runner out there.)

  6. So forgive me for being male, but I still don't know what sin he committed? From your story, all I get is that he wanted his wife to look perfect, still after all these years... and that gives you an excuse for being late for any engagement the two of you have: All you have to now say is that you are busy ensuring that you as living up to his high standards...

    28 years is long enough... WOW

  7. LOL!!! Glad to know after 28 years you can still make each other laugh (or laugh at each other???)

  8. :) I think the marriage will survive, especially after the last sentence. Happy Anniversary!

  9. That's a great achievement So curious to read more about chocolates, flowers and jewellery :) ... Happy Anniversary!

  10. I guess that makes him a keeper, right? This post had me laughing out loud--thank you!

  11. Cute post. Cracked me up and I really needed the laugh this morning - it's been a stressful one.

    And happy (early) anniversary!! :-)

  12. I'm impressed with Iven's attention to detail....and how great he is still checking you out! Happy Anniversary!

  13. Downright chivalrous of him, I think :)

    Happy Anniversary!

  14. HA! Glad your story had a happy ending... Personally, being minimally endowed, I can manage the sports bra with moderate ease, even while sweating profusely - it's the compression capris (or shorts) that get me every.single.time. I am CERTAIN that the leg holes have shrunk. Every. Single. Time.

    Happy (belated) Anniversary!


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