Thursday, July 12, 2012

Flu, Fairies and Hallucinations.

I've got the flu - I think. I've been told that it's probably not man flu because (and I'm quoting here) "If you had man flu you would be dead. Only a man can survive such a serious infection and live." 

You're probably right Mike. I'm sure my flu's just a sissy, girly flu like swine flu or bird flu or Ebola (yeah, I know that's not a flu but it can't possibly be as bad as man flu.)

It came on me suddenly. One minute I was sitting watching tv and planning my morning run and the next minute I was aching and shivering and turning my alarm off because you don't need an alarm when you can't sleep. 

Wednesday night was spent in a world of hurt. I could feel every muscle that I'd used doing my pathetic strength routine the previous morning - It was mostly glutes but there were some quads in there and definitely some abs. Thursday was just a continuation of Wednesday night - pain, suffering and a total inability to regulate my body temperature. 

Thank goodness someone invented paracetamol! I'm a big fan at the moment and they're the only reason that I could get out of bed today and go to the shops - because grocery shopping is what everyone does when they're sick isn't it??! Actually the only reason that I did something so stupid is because I'm anal about my shopping and don't trust any of my family with the chore AND I can't stand being at home for over 24 hrs straight even if I'm on my death bed.

I timed my shopping expedition carefully - just long enough after the last dose of paracetamol to know that it was working. Have you ever noticed how time kind of slows down when you're feverish? Things are happening and you see them happening but your brain takes a little while to register. I was hoping that the traffic would be light on the way there and that I wouldn't need to make any sudden, evasive manoeuvres. I was in luck and managed to get me and my car to the shopping centre in one piece and even managed to park between the lines.

Walking up three flights of stairs was daunting - but I'm not the kind of girl who shies away from a challenge. Yes, I was panting heavily by the top but I continued valiantly on. I managed the 100m shuffle down to Woolworths and that's when I started to worry. I don't know if it was the fever or the drugs but I was hallucinating. Woolworths was staffed by fairies. Human-sized fairies. With pretty sparkly wings. And tutus. Male fairies with tutus. Really ugly fairies. I thought fairies were supposed to be delicate and beautiful.

Turns out that Woolworths was having a promotion for their bakery - fairy cakes and fairy bread, that sort of thing. I may have nightmares tonight. It really was that disturbing.

I managed to drag my trolley through all the aisles and get most of what I needed. I did my best not to breathe on anyone because I know that's how pandemics start. (I may have deliberately coughed on the stupid woman who was selfishly blocking the entire aisle. And on the man who couldn't decide quickly enough which curry sauce he needed.) And then I headed off to the Chemist to get a thermometer because I want to be able to quantify just how dreadful I feel. 

I'd looked for a thermometer in our medicine cabinet on Wednesday night but couldn't find one - probably just as well because I used to have a special one just for taking animal temperatures RECTALLY and I couldn't remember if it had the human one or the animal one that had broken last. My niece Lauren was permanently scarred by using the animal one when she was a little girl. I'm not sure if she's ever been able to put another thermometer in her mouth since then.

I've just arrived home and unpacked the groceries. And today I've learnt that you shouldn't shop under the influence of flu or anti-inflammatories. Somehow I ended up with all this junk food. Lollies. A big block of chocolate. Chips and pretzels. Maybe the fairies put them in my trolley - I'm sure it wasn't me.


  1. Clearly not the man flu. You got lucky :) .... the junk food points to the girly flu.... LOL

    Hope you feel better!

  2. It was that damn man flu that put that garbage in your cart!! Us girls would never do that stuff! I am so using that excuse next time things mysteriously pop up in my shopping cart! :)

    Feel better soon, girl!! The weekend's almost being sick on the weekends!

    (and I agree...the days I can't get out of the house is not a good day!)

  3. Hope you're feeling much better soon! I must have missed the fairies in Woollies this week, but wondered how the staff can work in there when it's so darn cold :)

  4. ugggh!! Sorry you have the woman flu. No fun. But at least you have an excuse other than your period for putting all that crap in your cart. Get better!

  5. I feel your pain, my wife is in bed as I type and because if it she hurts all over.

    Get better soon

  6. We have some serious flu around here as well and I hope I can somehow escape it. I don't have time for non-training weeks at the moment. Get better and enjoy all the junk food. You will feel much better after eating it.

  7. If you have flu you should be lying in bed recovering - forget the shopping! Rest and sleep is the only solution. Man flu on the other hand, is what we might call 'a mild sniffle'.

    Hope you feel better soon.

  8. That is one scary fairy! Yikes! I would have nightmares after seeing that even without the flu :)

    Sounds like you got exactly the right types of groceries. Just eat them all before you come to your senses :)

  9. Ugly fairies just shouldn't be. And putting junk food in your basket. Horrible.

  10. Poor you! Have a nice rest, and take it easy!

  11. Hope you are feeling better soon. I can't believe you went shopping feeling that awful. Rest up & feel better


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